I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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