is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
