Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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