Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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