Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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