I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
he fucked my hip out of place.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
All I want is dick and wine.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
