im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I need to stop coming to work sober
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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