Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
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