ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
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Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
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Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT