Is that why you're texting me
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour