I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize