just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
