I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
