We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
