We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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