totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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