Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
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