i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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