apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
