the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
