The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
