I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
