At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
