Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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