I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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