Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
