he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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