remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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