I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
