My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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