Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
