im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He passed out mid-signature
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
