I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
