this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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