thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
