nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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