dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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