I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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