My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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