so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
