dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
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