fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
did i just pee glitter
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
