Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
