the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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