Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
