If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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