i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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