I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
