Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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