I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
