that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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