I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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