Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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