It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
