I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
