If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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