I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
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You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
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He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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